Biphobia is defined as an aversion toward bisexuality and bisexual people as individuals. It can take the form of denial that bisexuality is a genuine sexual orientation, or of negative stereotypes about people who are bisexual (such as the beliefs that they are promiscuous or dishonest). Other forms of biphobia include bisexual erasure. This can be the belief that bisexuality is not real or dismissing someone’s identity depending on the gender of their current partner.
I will preface this article with the fact that I am NOT a bisexual, I identify as a lesbian. I am however in a long-term committed relationship with a wonderful woman who does identify as bisexual. Honestly, this fact was something I did struggle with at the start. I really had to face my own biphobia when entering into my current relationship, a biphobia that I didn’t even realize I had.
It got me thinking about how prevalent biphobia really is in the lesbian world. There are many negative stereotypes that still permeate around people who identify as bisexual. They often have their identity invalidated or they are told they are just “confused, indecisive, insecure, going through a phase etc” This is also known as bi-erasure. There is also the social stigma that identifying as bisexual is just a cover for your “full-blown homosexuality”
In general, I do believe that society is much more accepting of female bisexuality than male bisexuality. Funnily enough in my experience, it seems to be lesbians who are the least accepting of female bisexuals. The cause of this though seems to be different. Men do not seem to be threatened by a bisexual female partner in the same way a lesbian might be. Maybe it’s the patriarchy, maybe it’s the fantasy of a man’s girlfriend being with another woman or maybe it’s just pure arrogance. This is based on a fear that both men and lesbians believe that when given a choice between a man or woman, with an equal preference of gender, a woman will always choose a man.
When I started dating my current bisexual partner, I was brought face to face with these fears. I think it is rooted in patriarchy and heteronormativety but I genuinely was worried that one day as she approached a certain age, she would leave me to commence on her white picket straight life with a husband and 2.5 kids. Or it is probably more like 1.7 kids now due to the declining birth rates, but I digress…. The conclusion being, that I would never be enough for a woman who could possibly enjoy being with a man in a romantic way. “Why would she possibly want this life, when it would be so much easier to go down the other path?” It is this fear at its core that is a big part of the biphobia in the lesbian world.
As lesbians, we have always had to compete on an uneven playing field with men. Our society is patriarchal, throw in the gender pay gap, the societal stigma of being gay, and the reality of starting a family being so much harder for two women and it is the trifecta for being set up to feel these concerns. It seems to me that a woman identifying as bisexual and inherently admitting their attraction to men can be viewed as a bit of an affront to lesbianism by lesbians themselves. Understanding attraction to men can be quite difficult for a gold star dyke and as always, we are afraid of what we can’t possibly understand.
So what is the answer? Recognizing your own bias is hard. It is especially hard when you are already in a minority community and you are dealing with your own internalised homophobia. The reality is bisexual women make up a large part of the LGBT community and the number of women identifying as Bi continues to increase each year. As a lesbian, I had to change my thought process from being “a man is easier she will leave” to “we are in a great relationship and we can both achieve all the goals we have in life together…without a man” This is the truth. Yes, we still have a long way to go in terms of rights and equality on many fronts, not just as lesbians but for all women in general. However, living in a western country in 2022 does mean that achieving all the goals for our lives is possible no matter who you decide to date.