Lesbians and queer women have been creating and raising families in a whole host of different ways since the dawn of lesbianism. In 2023 when asked “How do lesbians have kids” the first answer that springs to most people’s minds is IVF. Now if you are a straight or gay person who has been through fertility treatment of any kind you will know the ins and outs of what is actually involved with this gruelling process. I have been going through this for the past 12 months and let me tell you it is not for the faint of heart.
My partner and I have been together for nearly 6 years and recently got engaged. We talked long and hard about whether we wanted to have a wedding or spend our current savings on having a baby (or at least trying to). We decided a baby was more exciting to us than a wedding so embarked (somewhat naively) on fertility treatment.
We rocked up to the clinic filled with hope and excitement that all we needed was some donor sperm and we would be on our way to motherhood. (Of course that is not how things worked out, if only it were that easy)
As it turns out the absence of a husband was not the only fertility issue I was dealing with. Our first specialist (an old white guy) didn’t see any red flags with my tests and suggested we try intra-uterine insemination aka IUI using donor sperm first. This is a less invasive fertility treatment and is commonly used by people before resorting to IVF. As you would have guessed from the title it basically involes being inseminated at the doctor’s office. It is about as romantic as it sounds. (Think of the turkey baster method but a lot more money)
Unfortunatley we had two failed IUI’s at which point we decided to switch clinics and move onto IVF. It was at this new clinic that the doctor ordered a Pelvic Ultrasound and diagnosed me with PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome was the reason why I was not ovulating without medication and had gone undetected by the first specialist. Looking back now I wish I had advocated harder for more investigation as I would not have wasted all that time and money with IUI if I had been given this diagnosis sooner. (But I guess you live and you learn…learn that male gynacologists are fucking useless.) I’m just kidding I am sure there are some good ones out there but I felt let down by the lack of real investigation prior to spending all the money. IUI using donor sperm is still very expensive and in comparison, it was not that much cheaper than going straight to IVF.
The new clinic is interesting in that it is one of the few clinics in our state of sunny Queensland to offer a “low cost” IVF service to same-sex couples using Donor Sperm. This is quite rare and we felt lucky to have this option as it has been much more affordable than if we had stayed with our first clinic and pursued a full private round of IVF. However, like everything in life, you get what you pay for. There are some drawbacks of low-cost service in that you are limited to a standard medication protocol and less monitoring. You also have a lot less say over different things you can try and are monitored by a GP rather than a fertility specialist.
For us though, we still felt that this was a good choice to see how my body responded to the stimulation medication and how many eggs I would get. So off we went, injecting myself with a concoction of medications in the hopes that I would grow a good amount of eggs to then be harvested from my insides. Another drawback of “low-cost” IVF is the method for egg collection is different. Most full-cost clinics will put you under general anesthesia at a hospital for this surgery, but in a low-cost cycle, you get your eggs harvested whilst awake. Yes, you heard me, you are awake but you do get pain relief. I had the green whistle the first time and the ‘happy gas’ the second time. They also inject your ovaries with some sort of numbing anestic but I can assure you the experience is horrible and for some people borderline traumatising. (But if you are reading this about to undergo an egg collection whilst awake please don’t be scared, you will be fine. If I can handle it you can most certainly handle it)
I had my first egg collection but due to PCOS I was on a low dose of the medication and only got 12 eggs. (With PCOS there is a high risk of Ovarian Hyper Stimulation, which was the reason for the lower-than-usual dose) I had been pretty happy with 12 eggs and then 7 fertilized. From what I had read this seemed good, I had high hopes that we might end up with 3 embryos from this cycle as I had expected a 50% failure rate. Wrong. We got a text message 6 days after the egg collection with our embryo results. We had only one viable embryo that made it to freeze. I was shocked, how could these numbers result in only one chance? I was upset and pissed off. All that money and trauma to end up with one shot didn’t seem fair.
After a rabbit hole of depression googling and one small mental breakdown to a friend at work, I concluded that I had shit egg quality due to my PCOS. Apparently not uncommon with the condition according to the scientist at the clinic. At our clinic, we can only do a frozen embryo transfer so we had to wait for a whole cycle in between before we were allowed to transfer our one little embaby. Again filled with hope, we went in on the transfer day praying that this one would stick. Despite the shit numbers, I still had hope that maybe ‘one was all I needed’ as everyone kept reminding me.
The waiting was torturous, I ended up doing a pregnancy test around day 9 which was negative. I knew in my heart that the transfer had failed but I still wasn’t giving up hope until the official blood test at the two-week mark. We got the phone call the next day that it had in fact failed. I don’t think I have ever felt more depressed in my entire life than how I felt after that transfer failed. Not only was it a failure but it meant we were back at square 1. No more embryos meant I would have to repeat the entire process again…from the start.
I went straight back into another Stims cycle with an increased medication dosage this time. Fast forward to the day before the egg collection, I could actually feel the eggs growing inside me. I was bloated and my belly felt heavy and uncomfortable. I saw this as a good sign, that maybe I would get more eggs this time and therefore more embryos. I had my second egg collection (more traumatizing than the first but I won’t go into that) and got 24 eggs. We were thrilled, double what I had collected the first time.
Of those 24 eggs, 14 were fertilised and I hoped that I would end up with at least 2 embryos given this was exactly double from last time. However, once again we received a text message on day 6 advising us that we had only one freezable embryo…again. Depressed as hell I rang the clinic seeking answers from the scientist. “Why did this happen?” All they could tell me was that my embryos were shit quality and attributed to poor egg quality due to PCOS. Go figure.
We are now in the waiting period in between cycles in the lead-up to the next transfer of our second embryo. I am trying to remain positive and hopeful that this will be the one, but it is hard not to spiral. Spiral at the thought of failure once again, at the prospect of going through another IVF round and the money that has already been spent (about 15K AUD down the drain for nothing) I am trying to eat as clean as possible, continue exercising and also exploring things like acupuncture which some people swear by. I am hopeful that we will get a baby one way or another and that 2024 will be our year.
I have learned many things over this past year of being on this fertility journey:
- Be informed and advocate for yourself.
Educate yourself on medical issues and ask your doctor about them. I wish I had been more informed in the beginning and learned to speak up when something didn’t seem right. Whether it is investigations at the beginning of your journey or testing throughout a cycle, it is good to develop knowledge of what your body is doing. You know your body better than any doctor so speak up if something does not feel right. - Double-check your medication.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions about the medication cycle and even the chemist when you pick up your meds. It is very confusing unless you are a nurse or a doctor to understand what each medication is used for and how to administer it. If you are not sure, make sure you ask and they will give you a demonstration. When spending such large amounts of money it is important to not stuff anything up when it comes to the medication protocol. - Lean on friends for support, but only the right ones.
Going through fertility treatment is an unusual thing in that a lot of people really do not understand the reality of it. Unless they have been through it or have had someone really close to them go through it, they don’t get it. When most people think of IVF they see it as a guaranteed solution to infertility. Sign the $20K cheque and walk out with a baby and the reality is far from it. There are some people who can spend $100K and still not walk away with a child, that is the sad reality. For me personally, I have found great support in some friends at my work. I am lucky that I work in a female-dominated environment with an extremely supportive boss (who I told about my journey) and a range of women that I felt I could really trust to talk about the hardships I have experienced over the past 12 months.
As with most things in life, nothing ever comes easy. IVF is just like gambling, always something new to try and always the slight chance to strike it rich. Unfortunately, that is the game, it is trial and error and hopefully, in the end, you luck out. Whilst this year has undoubtedly been the most challenging year of my life, I am not giving up hope. I know that often times this is a numbers game and with perseverance, we will get there. (hopefully)
To any other women out there going through this, whether you are gay or straight I see you. I understand the struggle and I certainly have a special empathy for all my straight girls out there who never expected to be on this journey. I knew I was a lesbian at 18 and if I wanted to have a baby, I would most likely need to go down this path. I can not imagine having to go through this unexpectedly, it would be a special kind of pain. Hang in there ladies, I am praying for 2024 to be filled with chubby-faced little cherubs for us all.